


Diplomatic Relations

by KiaMianara



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Balin too but more subtle, Dori has fun playing them all, Dwalin is clueless, Female Bilbo, Female Dori, M/M, Nori is a Little Shit, zelda au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 10:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiaMianara/pseuds/KiaMianara
Summary: There had been peace for generations now; the time for diplomats, and Balin would challenge everyone claiming that to be a boring job to join him for the annual treaty discussions between Hyrule and the Gerudo.





	Diplomatic Relations

**Author's Note:**

> This turned more into a cultural study with a subplot of two very different types of flirting, but I sure had fun.
> 
> I only ever played Legend of Zelda and thus only have a very basic understanding of the setting, so please bear with any mistakes in regards to that.
> 
> About the general setting of this little drabble: I was hugely inspired by a [two panel comic](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com/post/123516146736/) by [_sarcasticasides_](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com), featuring [Nori ](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com/post/123425981111/)as a Gerudo, [Dwalin](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com/post/123421455146/) as a shaikah, Balin the diplomat, Prince [Thorin](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com/post/123474338896/) and Gerudo King [Smaug](http://sarcasticasides.tumblr.com/post/123505056381/). The story would have gotten completely out of hand otherwise, so in this story Smaug has another role.
> 
> I had a lot of fun dabbling around in it regardless and I hope you feel the same.

* * *

 

There has been peace between Hyrule and Gerudo for generations now and in order to maintain that every now and then representatives of either nation were sent to the other to renegotiate the treaties as necessary. This year it was Hyrule’s turn to visit with their neighbours and Balin was having a field day, literally.

 

He was a diplomat. He might not be born nor bred into it – that role fell to his younger brother, seeing that they came from a family with a long military history they could trace back as far as the king’s own line – but his passion for it more than made up for that. In fact, the king himself had said that there was no one better suited to represent them and Balin was tempted agree.

 

That is to say, _of course_ he understood their language and thus was very aware of the interest the small group to their right – two females, beautiful and deadly in their own right, and a slender male with enough jewellery in his elaborate, copper braids to buy a small village – had in his brother. The Gerudo were very different in their customs and appearance – all dark skin, hair in tones of brown and red and their colourful clothes fashioned airy to accommodate for the desert heat – and they were a race of warriors (and thieves) and highly valued all attributes that came with the profession. Attributes Dwalin just so happened to embody all that in addition to being very shy, not to say restrained.

 

Really, he was only doing Dwalin a favour, pointing out how very much their negotiating position would improve if he would challenge one of them to a formal duel. And of course his dear brother went and challenged the male, who definitely was the crown prince, except to Balin’s knowledge there shouldn’t be a prince. On the other hand had his processor done a very poor job, not to say actively sabotaged the relations, so Balin would need to come up with a subtle way to inquire about that when the Gerudo representative arrived. At least in the duel ring Dwalin couldn’t cause any major diplomatic incidents. An accidental engagement was much easier to resolve though talking than a declaration of war.

 

Seriously, no one wanted war. Hence the annual treaty talks.

 

“Ambassador. A pleasure to meet you.”

 

Balin didn’t jump. It took all his will power, but he remained perfectly composed in face of the Gerudo queen. The _queen_! By the Goddess, no one had told him he was meeting with the queen on the first day already, nor how absolutely stunning she was. Curvy, some would say chubby, though neither word gave credit to the fluidity and graceful restrain of her every move, silver hair an ornament on its own.

 

She didn’t even try to hide the blood on her broad sabre and clothes.

 

“The pleasure is all me, Queen Dori, and if I may be so bold, the blood brings out the colour of your eyes.”

 

“Oh, but aren’t you a charmer. I apologise for the surprise. As it turned out there were some unexpected and unacceptable differences in opinion with my agent.”

 

She didn’t elaborate, frowning after the male Gerudo who was leading Dwalin away, and Balin didn’t ask.

 

“I hope my no-good brother hasn’t offered insult to your companion. That is how your people do it, yes? Fight over insult rather than for honour?”

 

“Not that I’m aware. Dwalin, _my_ brother, as it happens, is not a man of many words, but a skilled warrior. He wished to test himself against your finest.”

 

The Queen snorted un-lady like, commenting that, while certainly a crafty little bugger, she wouldn’t call Nori `her finest´. Then she led Balin to what must be her private balcony with perfect view of the fighting arena. Word must have spread fast as the ranks were starting to fill already while the Gerudo, Nori, and Dwalin were still trading taunts. Or rather: Nori was taunting and Dwalin being quite obvious of it.

 

Seeing this the Queen shouted at Nori to at least insult his opponent in a language the other understood, which the small man promptly did, if heavily accented.

 

It didn’t take long for the duel to being after that, Nori’s twin scimitars against Dwalin’s twin axes, and a servant brought beer and fruits.

 

“Your brother, he knows he needn’t hold back, yes?”

 

“He means no offence, Queen Dori. Dwalin ... there have been accidents during training. Nothing that won’t heal, but he is very aware of his strength and your brother doesn’t appear very sturdy, if you’ll forgive me for saying so.”

 

“Oh, he does. He has that from his father, but our mother had more strength to give than just the obvious. I have yet to witness anything or anyone able to keep him down when he doesn’t want to. It’s also stubbornness. A lot of it.”

 

In the ring Nori had obviously found the wrong buttons to push – or the right ones, depending on the motivation – and was bodily thrown across the ring. Balin didn’t need to see his brother’s expression to know he was horrified, but to his great surprise the Gerudo just jumped up again, laughing and coming at Dwalin again.

 

“Astonishing. I must admit I wouldn’t have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.”

 

The duel had come to a short halt, much to the displeasure of the very vocal spectators, while Nori by the look of it allowed Dwalin to physically make sure the smaller had indeed not been harmed by his loss of control.

 

“Hu. Usually he doesn’t tolerate fussing” the Queen commented, then offered a realising “ah, that’s why” when the duel continued and Dwalin visible let go of his religiously cultivated restrain bit by bit with every strike.

 

“What happened to Ambassador Smaug?”

 

This time Balin couldn’t hide the flinch.

 

“He and the royal family had some … unreconcilable differences.”

 

“Made an attempt for the throne, did? Doesn’t surprise me. I hope he lost his head for it. He’s been trying to stir discord for years. I assume he was in league with my last ambassador, Mairon.”

 

Balin nodded, trying not to think about Smaug’s judgement, the way he had almost gotten Thorin killed if not for Bilba’s fast reflexes.

 

“Not a good topic? Then I’m sure you’d like to know why my Nori isn’t king.”

 

“I wouldn’t not dare to challenge your claim on the throne.”

 

“But you wonder.”

 

“A change in what I believe is one of your oldest traditions would be of great importance to know.”

 

The Queen snorted again, a sound Balin was becoming more and more fond of.

 

“When Nori found out what duties being king entitled, he vehemently refused to do it. Crafty little bastard kept running away and threatened to never return unless our mother agreed on a written testimony in front of the entire court that he would never have to be king even if he were the last of our people. She agreed after he managed to get all the way to what I believe you call the Kakariko Gorge, eluding even our most skilled trackers. I’m surprised you haven’t heard.”

 

“There was a rumour, but it was generally assumed there had been a misunderstanding as we had a comparable situation. Around the same time even, I believe.”

 

“I absolutely have to hear that story now.”

 

Balin threw a glance at the fighting ring. The children were still playing and, though they started to lose weapons and fabric, it didn’t seem like they would finish anytime soon.

 

“Well, years ago a little lass from a small forest village decided our crown prince must be lonely and, sensible lass that she is, didn’t set of alone, but convinced her parents to bring her to Hyrule City. If I remember correctly, the prince and his best friend were quarrelling around that time, so the lass saw Thorin alone and angry and decided she had been right in her assessment. She sneaked off alone after all and into the palace where she was later found in the prince’s quarters, manhandling Thorin and Dwalin into making up again and playing with her. She and her parents have all but moved into the palace since then. Very nice people, _amazing_ baking skills.”

 

“Ha. I hope the lass is training your guards by now.”

 

Balin couldn’t suppress a snort of his own.

 

“Ah, no. Our dear Bilba is quite able to defend herself, but diplomacy is more her fort. We expect her to become Queen at one point once either she or Prince Thorin finally stop dragging their feet about the proposal. Princess Dís was losing her patience when we left, so I assume we will return to news of their engagement. You will, of course, be officially invited to the wedding.”

 

“Ah, yes. Marriage. Not a common practice among my people. Why limit yourself so in whom to have fun with or children? Though Glóin and Frigga seem happy enough, I suppose. On that note, knowing my warriors some of them would certainly like to try for sons with your brother. Personally, I think we have warriors enough and could do with more wit.”

 

Queen Dori leaned closer, a suggestive twinkle in her eyes, and Balin could see the appeal, but only in theory.

 

“An honourable offer, your majesty, but I fear my brother’s tastes lie exclusively with males.”

 

“And your own?”

 

“While I’m flattered by the offer, I fear I’m not inclined towards carnal act at all.”

 

“Hm, a pity, but we will respect that, of course. Still, I would like to get to know you regardless. Good conversationalists are so hard to come by.”

 

Balin had to consider for but a moment, the prospect of spend many a evening discussing statecraft and trivia with this delightful woman too good to pass up.”

 

“It would be my greatest pleasure.”

 

Queen Dori smirked, then turned back to watch their brothers.

 

“Ah, there they go. Took longer than I expected.”

 

Confused Balin looked down into the arena, where the fight had resolved more into a game of tag. A door had been opened and soon Nori and Dwalin vanished through it.

 

Well, at least accidental marriages were off the table, even if Dwalin was running after Nori like a lost puppy for the rest of their stay and Queen Dori took one look at them and decided that her brother looked at Dwalin as he usually only did with something shiny he wanted to steal and keep, so he would go with them.

 

Balin figured he could make up a suitable diplomatic reason on the way.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The working title for this was "The Zelda AU no one asked for but I will write anyway" XD
> 
> The snack combination may seem odd, but I actually choose beer and fruits on purpose. Beer is for all sense and purpose, liquid bread and doesn’t have a lot of alcohol in it. To work in the desert heat you need the calories and liquid and because it had been heated you don’t run as great a risk with parasites and stuff with beer as with pure water. The fruits are Dori just plain bragging about either the tieving of trading skills of her people, though they actually have a secret orchard hidden behind the palace.
> 
> And now I should stop procastinating and actually learn for my exams ^_^?


End file.
